Because I recently started reading Kevin E. Taylor's Jaded again. With some edits....
The Real Color of My Eyes are Jade
I'm not sure when it started. It could have started with Kris, who always had time to suck my lips (amongst other things), but never time for relationship status because I was young and too pretty and he had boyfriends and I was his " little brother". It could have been Tony, who at the peak of my like/love/infatuation with him called to tell me that he didn't know how to be a boyfriend,but he would always call me. Maybe it was Luis, who stopped taking my calls after about six months of being his "baby" because he needed some "me" time. ( named Sebastian...he thought I didn't know) Or maybe it was Chris or James or Jaret or Greg or Jamel or...Myself.
Yeah, I am jaded not so much anymore like alot of us. The realization occured to me last weekend with BooBooRed. Spending time with him was nice, but there was always a caution sign popping up in my head. He didn't do these things actually, note that I say in my head
When he opened the door for me .
Caution: Is he trying to make me THE GIRL ?!?!?!?
When he got on his phone.
Caution: Is he texting some other dude while he's with me ?!?!?!?
While perusing books at OutWrite.
Caution: Is he flirting with this sissy that keeps coming around?!?!?!?
While sitting on his couch almost overlapping.
Caution: Who else has he been with on this couch???Was their someone else last week?!?!?
I had to tell myself to surrender to the moment and RELAX. It was sincerely a very nice day with him. Atleast we weren't arguing or getting on each other's nerves. Considering I needed this. Considering I had recently become aware that Homie B (a date/potential boyfriend/love of my life) had been over a friend's house with the intention of hooking up via A4A. ...add him to the list...
I had always convinced myself I was strong, I had moved passed all of that baggage. I guess not.
Now that I'm aware of this funky color jade, how do I change it?
6 comments:
i don't know how you change it... but at least you're aware that it exist...
I know exactly how you feel — I've felt the same way, and I know I've inspired the same anxiety in people who were interested in me. I once wrote about how I went sky diving, but how I couldn't enjoy the experience because I was so afraid, and I compared it to relationships ... "Yes, new relationships often inspire fear, and we’ve all seen and experienced romances gone terribly wrong. But to expect the worst at every turn, to approach new love as if its sole mission is to destroy you, might cause one of the most exhilarating experiences of your life to flash before you without even noticing."
Enjoy the moment!
It's hard to stop your pass experiences from interfering with your present or future one experiences. Don't speak was the sh*t!
Why do I feel like I totally remember this post?
LOL @ flirting with this sissy that keeps coming around
At least you are man enough to realize that sometimes it's you that gets in your own way. It took me years to realize that.
Post a Comment