I Don't Get It...What Part Of The Game Is This?

Have you ever dozed off for like 30 seconds and then just couldn't go back to sleep? Well, that's what happened to me last night. So, since I'm a little bit sketchy about Tylenol PM, I was left up with HBO OnDemand. I started watching episodes of Sex and the City, those of Carrie in Paris. So from watching BIG show up to save her from The Russian and all the romance and cliche in between, a strong smell of loneliness began to funk up the room. I didn't like it and to make matters worse, it started to rain. I started to feel sorry for myself. It was pissing me off.

You all know about my intimacy idea and come October will be about ten months of no sex. Do I want applause or boos? I don't know. It was something I set out to do and has kept many a date away. Which is a good thing, isn't it? The funny thing about that is how many guys seem to be so into the idea and " I feel you" and " Thas Whassup" and even " Thats exactly how I feel" until we get off the phone and then I never hear from them again. I shouldn't be surprised though, should I? Well I must say that the intimacy has worked. There is one person who I have spent some intimate times with. I even cooked breakfast for him. Me, who has said in the past, " I don't cook for no niggaz." Yeah I did, well I appreciated his time and perhaps I did want more than that. However, I guess that's why they say be careful what u ask for. I wanted intimacy and I got it. Anyways, so why couldn't I get more if that's what I wanted? I have trust issues. Yeah I know we all have been cheated on and all that, but my trust issues go much deeper. It's mostly not that I don't trust him , but I don't trust myself with him. I don't trust myself letting my guard down. I don't trust that I can give of myself completely to him. I don't trust that we can work this out in this Candy Store of Atlanta. You get the idea. Maybe I question too much. I probably do...question too much. In defense of myself, he didn't do too much to make the situation better. BTW I know you know I'm talking about you, I need to release this, so I don't care.

Ugh...I've completely lost track of what I had started out to say. All in all, I'm tired of games, not being taken seriously, negligence, being made to be the one at fault, inconsideration, and lack of regard for my feelings. If you get what you ask for, then I want affection, romance, fun, respect, and honesty. I think thats all...sorry if I confused y'all.

Today's Track: " Unappreciated" Cherish