So I was in Piedmont Park on Sunday ( I tried to take a picture with a cell phone so you all can see the spectacle that is Piedmont on a Sunday, but it was too dark) and I ran into someone I had been on a date with. After greeting him and getting back with the friends I was with, my friend says to me " Are you a top now?"
" What? "
" Because everyone I have seen recently that you'd been out with has been a sissy. Is there something you need to tell me? lol "
" Shut up. Really?" ( As I turn around to see homeboy walking away in his flip flops)
So you know I've been pondering this ever since and this is what I've come to:
One of the reasons I don't like Bttm/Top classifications is because people associate them with gender roles. Maybe because unlike heterosexuals, our LGBT community didn't have any LGBT "models" for us to be influenced by. Between the media and in our families most of us saw men with women. So, ofcourse we apply what we've seen in our own relationships. There has to be a "man" and a "woman". The issue with this is that we're not hetero. We can't have a male and female because we're two men or two women. However, many of us will still look at two men together or ourselves with those same hetero ideals. You'll see two feminine guys together and say something like " Eww. Who's doing who? " or " Look at those two pocket books." The funny thing about this is, no one says anything when they see two masculine men together. (Maybe that's a conversation about masc vs. fem in our community. We'll have to have that one later.) Anyhow I say all that to say, I'm gay, that means I like men. From the hypermasculine guy to the dude with a little sugar in their tank, I like em. As long as they have the third leg ( and are attractive, have style, smart... da da dee da da), I don't care about anything else. I'm not gonna lie, there was a time when I wanted nothing but a "man" and if I dated anyone that showed maybe a tiny bit of fem, I was disgusted. I realized as I got older that it wasn't their femininity that bothered me, but what people thought when they saw us. I also realized somethings I liked sexually that changed what I was looking for in a relationship. Now I still have some boundaries and my preferences are still MY preferences, but I am NOT a lesbian. I like men. Makes sense? Ok..now look to your neighbor and say " Neighbor..." LoL Just joking, but really don't worry about who's bumping purses ( I hate that phrase, I don't why I just used it.) just worry about who's bumping yours.
Today's Track: "You Should Be My Girl" Sammie
Its so ironic you are talking about this...I am about to hold a forum and this topic seems to be a very hot one. I understand completely..i guess as you get older and wiser and understand your sexuality more, you focus on what is really important. I think thats the reason more gay black men are so lonely cuz everbody is waiting for someone like DMX to ride into their life and marry them...so the genuine guys that dont look like DMX get no play (not that DMX is phyne) but you get my point. I want to get to the bottom (no pun intended) of the mentality of most black gay men that allow the labeling thing to keep them from dating or at the least meeting someone.
ReplyDeleteLOL!! I'm not a lesbian either!! I just had to remind no4real4real after I saw those semi nude pictures of him posted on nathans blog and nearly vomited!! As i told him..lesbian season starts after labor day...LOL!! I kid of course but really i feel you on this post. I cant wait for the day when gay men stop basing our relationships on a FLAWED heterosexual model that aint even workin for them.
ReplyDeletewhile reading this I was like why do I feel like I just had this converstation... but then I remembered I am currently reading Micheal-Christopher's book Top and Bottom or something like that... which is about this topic. Nice points made shows some maturity.
ReplyDeleteToo many people instantly judge the outside appearence and forget that their is more to a person. Get to know a person for who they are and not for what they look like. Be genuine. Great blog man.. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad somebody said it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for bringing up this topic. Now it has me thinking.
ReplyDeleteI dont like being classified especially when it comes to "top" "bottom" "oral" or "vers". That just leaves so much to be desired. As a sexual being why put limits on yourself or base your perception of a person swagger on how they get down. I think its shallow. Ive seen super masculine guys who like it up the dookie shoot and super feminine guys who only like to bang out the backs. I say do away with the labels its all just another way to create separation in our community. Gay, bi, bi-curious, top, bottom, vers, masc, fem...when will it end? (as I go off in my flip flops...lol its hot and I dont like stuff on my feet)
ReplyDeletethank goodness i dont have this issue... all of my sexual experiences as of lately have been taking place in dark rooms... that way after i top a guy he doesnt see me walking away with my gucci purse and designer dog in hand...lol... but seriously, i went through the same thing when i was younger. my man had to be on the verge of going to prison, sudo ultra butch, because at that time in that town, that was all i knew. but now i am older and wiser and i know better. know better do better or at least try to.
ReplyDeletePREACH!!! Thank you for saying it!
ReplyDeletemust be top and bottum in the air... but I totally feel you, wish u was at the DLB topic discussion by phone or something, lol.
ReplyDeleteRemember Im not dead...
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ReplyDeleteMust I say I love this post. You better tell it.
ReplyDeleteClearly I am going to have to give Bobby Brown Jr a phone call after reading these comments...LOL
Are you on vaction at a lesbian convetion or something? Where have you been?
ReplyDeleteWell I am a lesbian and trust me that exists within Lesbian community as well. To be honest it seems to be more within the African American community. I am a femme woman and if so see two femme together that fine, femme/butch is ok but two butch/butch Whewww !! Not normal one bit. People get so hung up on such labels that we forget that it whats in someone heart.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad, but we just can't get away fom labels, especially when we use them to define a person from outward appearance.
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ReplyDeleteGood post! Labels are what is bringing us down. I think we are all influenced by them rather we would admit it or not. However, like you, as I get older, I care less and less. I have my criteria of what kind of person I want and although my taste has changed since I was younger, the core base of what I want is still there.
ReplyDeleteDefine yourself and don't let anyone define you!